Octopus and OUROBOROS

They say hunger is the root of all troubles in the world. Greed is nothing but an insatiable hunger. Plato imagined "Ouroboros", the perfect animal which can eat itself when hungry. I have learnt that some species of octopus can also do it, they can "shed" one arm of theirs and eat it when under stress or intense hunger.

Sounds really crazy, but some thing that can sustain on itself would be great thing to have. Imagine if happiness can sustain on itself, I am happy today because I was happy yesterday and I will be happy tomorrow because I am happy today. Too bad it isn't the case.

What can sustain on itself is frustration. Unhappy with the current state of affairs, you try to change it and when it doesn't work out, it yields more frustration. But if it does work out, it brings immense amount of joy and relief.

But the joy has a short life span, and frustration seems to be endless. As if it is like the vast stretch of the dark sky above me, and I am just walking being guided by the stars that twinkle, like hope. Hope, is the only weapon one has against frustration.

I take a deep breath, look myself in the mirror and promise myself that tomorrow would be better. Thus I start my day, getting ready for the office.

Tea and me!

If you ever asked me that what would I prefer, tea or coffee, it would always be tea, unless I am trying to act sophisticated (which I some times do!). Good old desi, I like my tea to be served hot and I take my own sweet time to drink it. Ginger over cardamom, little sugar, loads of milk and a good gossip, that's all that I need. I don't hate the CCDs and the Baristas of the world for not serving good tea. Tea is best had in the roadside dhabas, munching over a small pack of Parle-G and discussing the seriousness in the world with a smile on your lips.

Tea is not just a beverage, its like a dialect. Every place leaves its own mark on it but unlike people leaving marks on the monuments and making it ugly, tea is prettier for the marks people and places put on it. I believe the quality of the tea served in a place tells you a lot about the people that inhabit that place. The way it is served, the way it is had and the way you pay for it,

tells you how the place like to be treated, and how you can expect yourself to be treated.

I have traveled a bit and have found myself hating cities because they do not have the "Tea Culture". Take Delhi for example. The city boasts of two of the best universities in India (DU and JNU) truck loads of colleges and students swarming like bees. But hang around the campuses and you would not get the kind of "Chai" that you would expect. Students' tea ought to be light on the milk, strong with the leaves, a shade of ginger that leaves a good aftertaste which would help if you are smoking while having your tea. Unfortunately, Delhi's tea is just the opposite. Too much of milk, almost no ginger and light on tea leaves. Too smooth for my liking, as if the city wants to conceal its rudeness in the tea that it is serving.

Add to it the fact that your would be hard pressed to find a tea joint in most areas, and even more so on a Sunday. Why on earth should one be deprived of the joy of having a good tea on a Sunday?

If you ever visit Kolkata, you will be surprised to see the kind of tea served there. First the liquor is made and then the milk is added to it. A time saving way of making tea. One would be surprised because in Kolkata, every one has a lot of time, the laid back attitude of the city has not corrupted the way the tea is made though.

Thats a very British way of making tea, and the raj days are still there to be seen in Kolkata. The British Babudom has paved way for the Bengali Babudom. But bureaucracy nonetheless.

Pune for that matter doesn't care about anything. The place is young, vibrant and ambitious. The place is trying hard to get out of the Pensioner's Paradise image of its. The tea in Pune is served in a set of cup and plates and people drinking tea of their plates instead of cup is a very common sight. But you will also find places where tea is served in glasses and it makes me wonder if the city has not yet identified its true self.

And that brings me to my favorite city, Mumbai. Everything in Mumbai runs at a fanatic pace, except the tea shops. The fast food of the city is Vada Pav, a quick desi burger. The choicest mode of transport is the Fast Local, the breakfast is a quick fix Misal Pav( and I love it!) but the tea is laid back. Stirred in a Brass vessel to perfection, good dose of ginger and less sugar, it is tasted by the vendor first to ensure that it has his hallmark on it and then it is served. Nobody rushes through a cup of tea in Mumbai, as if it is their "Me-Time".

Me, my cup of tea and my balcony on a rain washed evening. Life is not that bad after all! :)

Radom, random-er, random-est

This blog is the result of sheer impatience, I should be doing something worth while, but I am afraid, I don't have much to do.
My ex-roommate (ex not because he is dead or something, just that I have changed the city) used to say, life is a sinusoidal curve. I agree. Just that I want to use a diode and filter that to just the high part of it. But then, no such diode exists.
I work.I get a salary. At least for the Income Tax department, my bank, and for every one else including me that should be enough. But it is not.
I don't have fixed deliverable, and the fact that even if I do not do what I am supposed to; I can get away with it, makes me hate my job. It is not the same every day, some days I love my job, on most days I don't.
I know there is nothing wrong in feeling that. Everybody does. But I am failing to let it not affect other things in my life. I hate the dogs on the streets when I walk back home, curse the Mumbai municipality for the pot holes on the road, abuse the autowalas and the taxiwalas for the jam, and give a look to the kids in their mothers arm that make them wish they were never born.
I know I shouldn't. But I know that I do.
I need that diode desperately, and this desperation isn't helping either. So it is like the quick sand of depression and frustration that the more you struggle, the more you are trapped.

Writing this blog has not helped much either!

Qualifications and Politics

Bhartiya Janta Party took on board IIM Calcutta graduates to 'manage' their campaign.
The result is that they had a loss of 22 seats.

Just reinforces my belief that qualification has no role in Indian Politics.

Its been a long time...

It has been really long since I have posted anything here. Going by some of the comments, I have been missed by some. Thanks for that.

There has been a lot that has happened in my life over the last four months but although it is important for me, (the new job, moving to Mumbai, earning again) there is not much masala there. I work with a Dotcom firm now that is known for the interesting comments on its message boards. I have seen some of them on my blog too, and that is something that I am not happy about.

It is a free world, we all have opinions. What is important is how we express them. I was a 20-21 year old not so long ago in my life, and have seen some of them on MTV Roadies. I always believed that the Roadies culture was a one off thing. I have never seen such obscenities mouthed in real life and I certainly do not endorse them.

One must understand that certain things is this world are contextual. An American will not understand Gajodhar Bhaiya jokes. Someone who has lived in condos all his life would not be able to see the challenges people living in a house made of thatched roofs face during the monsoon. There is a wide spectrum of experiences that people have, and nobody can feel all of them.

We all must learn to respect when we do not agree or understand.

A comment by a gentleman/lady by the name of Readoholic and its reply by anonymous is what I am talking about.

To Readoholic: You do not have the judgment of what to read and what not, then it is not my fault. I am sure you would not dare to say such things when you meet people face to face, else you might have your face rearranged. But Internet gives people like you a place to hide. Good for you, bad for us!
To Anonymous: Thanks for defending me. One's dignity must always be maintained! My father taught me not to bite a dog when he bites you, and I think you can use the same advice.

May be, we all need to learn a bit of netiquettes.

An extraordinary love story!

These are bad times, in every possible way. Economy, politics, jobs, even the Gaza strip, there are things the way they should not be.

I am sure there are tales of doom to be told, but I will try not to add to the general sinking feeling that is around and will tell you a story. A story which happened around me, a story that I think would leave a smile on your face, and if it doesn’t, then you have been tracking the financial world a bit too much. Leave the pink paper down and read Calvin and Hobbes for a change!

I was standing at the Chatlet Le Halles metro station in Paris, waiting for the M4. I was annoyed about the fact that time between two metros at around mid night is 8 minutes instead of the 3 minutes during the day. My education has taught me that it minimizes cost and optimizes performance but when you are waiting on a cold night at a station, you don’t really care much about economic sense.

It was not really crowded and I was waiting for the train. My attention was caught by a man who was signaling something to a woman on the opposite platform. He threw a kiss at her and she blushed. Buoyed by the fact that there were not too many passengers around, she responded.  The man went down on his knees as if proposing. She extended her hand as nodded as if she agreed. They were both smiling and throwing kisses. I said to myself, Paris is indeed a romantic city.

I was smiling as I looked on, but the drama was cut short as her train arrived. The woman got into the train and leapt for a window seat. She was still smiling and throwing kisses. The man waved his hand and she reciprocated. They kept waving to each other till the train disappeared. The man stood on the platform waving his hand.

My train arrived and I got in. I left for my apartment wishing all the happiness in the world for the couple. I wished them good health too, so that their love lives long. I guess they needed it.

And yes, the man was over 65 and the woman was atleast 60 years old. 

Snow and a song

It was snowing last morning,
And I was feeling like a kid.
I thought of taking some in my bag,
Rest assured I did.

I want mom to be here some time,
With flakes of snow all around.
I want to jump up and down again,
My joy would know no bound.

"What crap", you might think
"This is a nursery rhyme"
I totally agree with you but,
the kid in me had a bloody good time.

The week that was! Part 2

There were some good things as well in the last week, things that I often ignore when I am in the not-so-good mood.
My blog is read across 4 countries and it has crossed 100 hits! A stat that I am really happy with! I agree that I have to pester my readers to know what they think about what I blog( I will refrain from using the verb 'write', I don't think that most of the things on my blog qualify as 'writings') but then, a feedback is always welcome!
I get frequent hits from USA, all thanks to my friend Akhil who made my blog his status message on gtalk and thus popularised it!
I have hits from France and Brazil too, but they are mostly because of my misspellings! Not sure if they should count as readers but adding them makes my blog 'global' and I would rather count them!
I have been told that my blog has a good female readership. Makes me feel happy and sad at the same time! The virtual me is more in demand than the real me! Talk about duality.
My friend got placed in Lehman Brothers, a much coveted company. Another one had his wedding dates finalised. My group has grown up!
A friend of mine got married and I fell for her the day she told me that she is going to get married. It has happened to me quite a few times now. Now I know what they mean by 'The forbidden fruit is always sweeter!'.
I just noticed that the number of blogs in this year so far is more than the whole of last year put together. I don't know if I am more creative/frustrated/simply 'lukkha'/interesting than last year. I will think about that when I will have absolutely nothing to do after the next few days!

PS: Just wanted to do a sequel to something, and hence is the title of this blog. Now that the itch is over, I will return to normalcy, whatever that is!

A week that was!

When I first learnt about the funda of Fractal, I was amused to say the least! I never thought that there is a belief that says that what ever happens at a large scale also happens at the small small scale. To put it in more clear terms, as per the fractal theory, stock market will have similar behaviour in a minute as in a year, a hill will look the same if you look at it from whatever distance! The structure of the solar system is analogous to that of an atom!
Basically, the scale doesn't matter and the patterns repeat themselves.
When my week started on Monday with my paper of Financial Management, I was hopeful! The next day, I was happy to have done well in OR. I moved to Production Management and I was thinking about the least painful and scandalous way to commit suicide! I was so hopeless! Then Indian Economies went well and I was back to my normal self! Post HRM, I think I have achieved Nirvana!
Looking at the week in the light of the fractal theory brought me new wisdom! What ever happens in your life, similar things will happen in a week as well! Purely going through the emotions, I think I led a life in a week! You think I missed sadness, no I have not!
The week is over and so is my first year of management education!
All I have is examinations every 35 days and how much have I hated that. The assignments, reports, grades...
But now when I plan to leave all this behind for 2 and a half months during my summers, I think I am going to miss all these! I am so much used to a hectic life that I am scared that I will find ways to waste myself in my leisure!
I wont see some of friends for sometime and the useless cribbing will surely be missed!
Just as in life, I started missing the same things I hated a day ago!
One portion of life served, one portion of it lived!

Die or Fly?

There are times in my life when I feel vulnerable! I have always believed that the fallibility of humans is their greatest strength, but at times like these my beliefs betray me! And surprisingly, makes me more human!
Through the glasses of arrogance you see things and smile! Much ado about nothing!
But when things happen to me, I feel like shouting at the top of my voice! I shout but the sound echoes within! It takes me a while to come to terms with the fact that I am indulging myself in a futile activity! Everyone tells me to forget and focus on task at hand, but what when the task at hand pales to insignificance compared to what you are asked to forget?
I wish to to be dead, beyond sorrow and grief, but then, the drive is so strong, that just when the firing squad is about to pull the trigger, I feel like smiling! I want to have one more try, one more hurrah, one more attempt to fly!
And thus I live on, winning and losing battles within, but, alive!
Less alive than before though! A part of me always goes numb with each such encounter. As if you have to pay a price to have the chance to breathe again. Paying my mortgages, if you can say so! They call it growing up.
No wonder when you grow up enough, you are dead!

Doing a life to life!

I believe that if life had a life and a body to live in, it would have been a pretty lady, and that, at times makes me imagine myself taking her by the scruf of the neck, kissing her hard, and then dumping her!
Wouldn't that be doing to life what life does to you?

The cynic in me!

I was talking to a batchmate of mine and learnt that Rajnikant is a god to him.

And over the course of last few years, I have come to realize that there are human beings who are 'God' to many people.

Only today I have realized that I have none! Here I am, with no idol, no religion, no God! For a moment I felt like an orphan.

I am sure there are more like me. (And if you are a female reading this and we happen to meet sometime over a cup of coffee, I would go any length to prove that I am unique! ) I have always held the opinion that being a really strong believer in god/religion/actors doesn't really help. If I need help, neither Rama nor Rajnikant(or Superstar Rajnikant as my friend warned me to call him) will come to help me! So why should I pray or follow someone?

But it is more than religion or filmstars. I have no political belief as well! I have never cast my vote because I do not believe in the system. Hell, I even abstained from voting in election for some posts in my college!

I do not have any specific taste in movies! I like psycho movies, but I like romantic movies as well! Check my profile and you would know my likings. In music, nopes,no hope there as well!

So at 24, I do not have any preference for anything in life! But my friend (I won't name him, else he would kill me!) is writing a learning algorithm that will compartmentalize my tastes and would tell me what kind of soup I would like today depending upon which side of the bed I have woken up! Jokes apart, he has a case that people actually show similar preferences in shopping and is doing a market research on that and he agrees that I am an exception.(See, I told you I am unique.)

Now that I sound like a totally uninteresting guy, there is a little positive to it!

I don't have any preference in people as well. Just don't be too sophisticated and don't think that you are god, and I can get along with you. I said "can", it doesn't mean that I will, but it gives you a chance. Wanna play? ;-)

OK, its neither matrimonial, nor dating profile so I will come back to the central idea.
So how bad/good it is to be ideal less? Honestly, I feel that makes me more open to people and experiences. I do not have staunch beliefs to shut people off. (There is a completely different set of reasons to explain my unpopularity but this is certainly not one of them.)

I have friends from all religions, all age groups, all strata of society, or as they call them in Marketing Research, SEC-A, B and C! Yes, I am limited to friendship with people belonging to either of the sexes only, but I guess that does not dilute my case. :-) And I haven't done too badly in life so, cheers to the cynical me!

Cheers!!

Its that time of the year again!

So as the year meanders towards the end, you see and read the top 10 abc's of the year! You know, the 10 best/worst movies/songs/actors/politicians/pet dogs/ wardrobe malfunctions. (Hold on, did 2007 had a wardrobe malfunction? No wonder it was a boring year!)
I have my own top 10. The 10 quotes/lines I will remeber the year for. Some of them are contextual, some eternal, but if you are still reading, it wont be a bad idea to continue doing so.(Unless, of course, you have Katrina Kaif waiting for you! Trust you me, she is the only one worth missing this blog! Okay, lets get on with it!)

1. "Motherhood is a biological fact, fatherhood is a matter of belief."
-Proff Vidyananad Jha in the class discussion
VidJha, as we call him, has been witty but this one takes the cake. I am not very sure if this belongs to him, but I will give him the benefit of doubt.

2. "Kaamna, give me a kiss. ...... 30 saal bad tum apne grand children se kahogi ke yeh woh jagah hai jahan tumne Kabeer ko mehsoos kiya tha!"
- Jimmy Shergill in High on the Highway
The story has not went down well with a lot of people but I liked the story. yes, the actors could have been better, but this line and the way he speaks it, made it worth watching! 'Shafak aankhein, tez roshni ....' was another good line but I will stick to the mehsoos one!

3. "Dil ko banade jo patang saansein yeh teri woh hawaayien hain!"
- Vishal in Om Shanti Om
I am not a big fan of Sharukh Khan or Farah Khan. Both of them, in my opinion, are good, but not as good as they are made out to be! But this line, and the way KK sings it, makes me thank both of them for producing this bit of magic! Awesome lyrics by Vishal. Thank you! (I made corrections in this part, thanks to Pranav who corrected me that the lyrics were by Vishal, not Javed Akhtar as I thought.)

4. "Yeh dialogue to kissi film ka hai na.....abhi nahin hai, magar ek din ho jayega!"
- Sharukh Khan in OSO
What a spoof on bolllywood! I don't know if this movie is a tribute to bollywood, but if this was made with an intention of making a spoof on Hindi films, you have done a tremendous job Farah! Awesome!

5. "Wahin kahin shab kaatenge, chilam chataayi baantenge"
- Gulzaar Sahab in Jhoom Barabar Jhoom
I have always been a fan of Gulzaar's imagination and play of words. These lines take a complete different meaning for a college student. You spoke for us in these lines! Jhoom Barabar Jhoom!

6. "Growth is a political process."
- Proff Sudip Chadhuri, in World Eco discussion
Beautifully summed up the quandary that we have in many countries, and a more glowing example is West Bengal. RESPECT!

7. "Class mein kone ki seat mein sabse peeche kyon baithe ho, film dekhne aaye ho? Maje karoge?"
- Proff Prashant Mishra to a couple in Marketing class
I had never laughed so much in all the classes put together till then as musch I laughed then! Imagine a proff saying that in a post graduate class to a couple! Proff Mishra's classes were always full of such witty lines, but this one was in a league of its own!

8. 'All the truth in this world adds upto one big lie!'
- Bob Dylan, 'Times are changing' soundtrack
Its an old track and I have heard it this year itself! Brilliant lyrics, this is just one of the so many beautiful lines in this song!

9. "Tumhare dimaag ka antenna noise bahut capture karta hai!"
-Proff Ashish Bhattacharya to a batchmate of mine in class!
Dismissive. Thats the only word I have to describe this comment which was made in response of a question. I can assure you, the question was really dumb! AshBhatt, as we call him, is not as bad as this quote makes him look.

10. "Shit yaar, top 10 lines mein meri ek bhi line nahin hai!"
-Amitbikram Acharya, in a not so sober mood
Things that you have to do for friends! Sigh!

In case you have read it, please feel free to post your comments. Bouquets and brickbats, both will be entertained!

ramblings after the end sems! and playing 'losing my religion'

It has been a term, 3 months and the days have flown by! I will not say it is all fairy tale 'coz it is not!
"It has been an extra ordinary journey" Ha! That is one learning that I have, in last three months, and that is to shy away from superlatives. Life is ordinary! It is the people that make it extra ordinary! :-)
No, I am not in the oxymoronic state that I would revert to using superlatives immediately after dismissing them! It is just the kind of statements that you get so used to, things that are so heavy on the ears and the mind, and sit below the tree in the comfort of rising smoke and the warm darkness and you would see that these words are so meaning less! (So is this post! Why are you still reading it?)
You hear of competitiveness so often that you loath the fact that you ever competed to get here! You hear of relative grading that you might puke when someone says,"is he your relative?' (Okay, I am stretching it a bit too far, but I dont care!)
You see personalities and how much you would yearn to see human beings! Human being, I always find this word funny! What is more important, the being part or the human part? When you try to be human, to do you really 'be' and when you want to 'be' dont you sell the the human part? Yes, I know there have been saints and all, but it is not about them, its about you and, hang on, its not even about you, its about me!
But what it is about me? Why does it have to be? And even in case there is, why do you have to be a party to it?
I am not insulting you or trying to prove anything, but this is incoherent, illogical and it is written precisely to be that!
So many times, we try to make the sense and we fail! Ever wondered what sense the gibberish of a child makes? But then, isn't it the most comforting thing to hear!(One of the most comforting things, I must say. Another comforting thing that I like to hear is that there are sweets in the menu today! WH mess sweets rock!)
Ever seen the smoke that rises from the ciggeratte. It touches you, runs on your face, and rises up, as if it touches every pore of yours, and then dissolves in your blood. Then when you just let your head fall back, you spiral through your own thoughts, trying to hold on to a thought and then follow logic and make some sense!
Making sense! NONSENSE!!!
Coming back to being and living( see, it is so much well woven into the thought process that you try and 'make' some sense when all you are you doing is 'not making sense'!), ever wondered what it would be to pass through a day, not living it? A day which gives you no joy, no sorrow, no heart breaks and no memories! Hmm, may be a day like that would be a souvenir in itself!
May be, some day I will climb at the top of a mountain and watch the clouds having an affair with the peaks( another example that the things on top have very 'volatile' relationships) and just reflect! crib and dissect, dissect and crib, in whichever order.
And that brings me back to REM:
Every Whisper
Of every waking hour
I am choosing my confessions!!

Good night Abhishek, sleep!! The fucking majors are over!!

Erased!

Today is my last day in Kanbay!
Things are happening at such a fast pace that I am not really able to contemplate on what is happening.
Am I sad? No, but I never hated the organization that I am not ecstatic about it either.
So what happens to you when you quit an IT organization:
They take away your photo id card and all you become is a number. A nameless, faceless number. The best time to tease a girl in your company. Before she can find out who you are, you are out of the company!
One a more serious note, it takes a bit away from you. Your identity is not entirely based on that card but it is one of the things that you look back with pride.
I always did. I loved my access card. It was a symbol of my existence as a professional, a word that I take a lot of pride in. It was my certificate of financial independence. And also, that I am an eligible bachelor! :)

Then your office extension is blocked. The company does not allow you to have the access to the resources like the free phone any more. Too bad you have to pay out of your pocket to call all the local friends you have to say that you are leaving!
You look at the instrument and think of all the times that you called your girlfriend. You think of arguments you had with your friends on that free phone. You look at the printer you used to print the stories and wallpapers for your home.
You start to wonder what a daughter who is to be married in a few days feels like.

Let me put it honestly, I have made more personal calls then official ones from my extension number. I have used the printer extensively during my GD/PI preparations. And now that I am leaving, i hear, 'Baabul mora naihar chhooto hi jaaye!!'

Then you get your exit interview. An opportunity to be as venomous as you can. talk about everything that bothered you.
I guess it is a window that provides the opportunity for organization to see how they are perceived by the employees.
it is up to Kanbay to make use f my 40 minutes of feedback. But I am not going to get an award whether they use it or not, so it is part of my history. Don't ponder, move on!

Then the office people come and deletes your personal folder on the server. Your access to the knowledge portal is revoked. You do not have the access to the intellectual property you helped in creating. 'The IP that you create is owned by the company'. I hate capitalism!

And there is one more thing that happens to most people but never happened in my case: Knowledge Transfer. No knowledge, no transfer!

And thus you are wiped off from the records. You become a part of the memories of the people you worked with, for good or bad reasons, but not a part of the organization.

But then, as they, this is life. As i move on in my life, I thank Kanbay from the bottom of my heart for the wonderful people that I met here and the things that I learnt. It is my personal blog so I don't have to be nice at all and I am not getting paid to say this either.

Now I am feeling sad! Is it for the seperation or for not getting paid?
Anybody's guess!

Slow time!

Ever gone through slow time?
You thinking slow motion replays? Well, in that the motion is viewed for a longer duration making it relatively slow. Naah, I am not talking or rather writing about that.

Lets take a basic example. Say you are travelling with speed X, covering distance Y in time T.
Time= Distance/Speed
Life is normal.

But if you travel with the same speed X, and do not cover any distance, then the time must be zero!
The pure physicist would say, not possible! That is why we have metaphysics mate! ( And I am no Australian, I just realized that mate and meta are anagrams!)

I have done all I could, and I have not made any progress, so where lies the fault?
One waits and waits and waits, and the destination does not arrive. You wonder, is life moving at all?
The time slows done, becomes viscous, does not flow, like blood, which is about to coagulate! Imagine passing through that! The webs, the darkness, the 'bloody' density! You try to swim, the hands are moving, the feet too, but you are there where you were! So much for the efforts yielding!
You choke, you feel like shouting, you open your mouth to shout but the slow, viscous fluid fills it! You drink, but there is so much! You give up and then there is nothing to hold on to!
And then, having humbled you, time starts flowing again, smoothly as if it just exists to flow, like an innocuous bird which just exists to fly!
But you do not have the strength, you do not try to swim, you just float. You tend to think that it is nirvana, the moksha, you have been through all that there was, and you are past it. And then again you are deceived. You can still think, and you will dream, and aspire. You will swim again, and then time will humble you again!

And if it has not happened to you yet, remember, time is in no hurry!

A song, for me!

I just heard my friend singing! No names, because I do not mean to offend him, after all, he is my friend!
So, my friend was 'singing', no, I think he was trying to sing. I guess the last sentence should tell you how good he was.
But then, does one need to sing well to sing?

A want a song, for myself, a song of my joys, my emotions, my ambitions, my success and my failures. If I sound like an egoist, I bloody am!

Why should anybody sing to please? I mean, cannot we be a bit selfish and just sing for ourselves once in a while? A song to mourn, to celebrate, to cry , to laugh, to express what you feel.
So what if I am devoid of a smooth and silky voice, I am not devoid of feelings! I am alive, and that is good enough reason for me to sing! Too bad you do not like my song!

Why should my poems make sense to you? They are mine! You were not there when I fell in love and cried the whole night, or when I first felt like hugging the banyan tree in my backyard.

And I want everybody to sing. Everybody has a right to be happy, or as Will Smith says, pursue happiness. Everybody has a story, everybody has a song.

I have a song! And I will sing it!

Beginners guide to Pseudo Intellectualism

5 Rules to become a Pseudo Intellectual.

Now don't ask me what Pseudo Intellectualism is all about? Incognizance is something, my friend, pseudo intellectuals are definitely against!
I searched the web but there was no definition available so I decided to define it. (One more thing that I have done to save this world !...and the Noble Peace Prize still eludes me!)

Pseudo Intellectualism:
Function: Noun
Meaning: Devotion to the exercise of Pseudo Intellect or to Pseudo Intellectual pursuits.
(If you have not understood the meaning of Pseudo Intellectualism by now, that means that you are looking for intellectual content in this article and hence, by the power vested in me as the head of the Pseudo Intellectual council, I deem you unfit to be a part of the Pseudo Intellectual community and hence bar you from reading any further!!!)

For those who have understood what it means, you need to know what is expected of you as a Pseudo Intellectual. It is about appearing knowledgeable, when you know nothing. It is about being able to argue with out having any stance, it is about being able to talk on matters you have no idea about and come up with catchy lines which have no relevance to the discussion at hand but still leave people in awe.

Let us now go through what it takes to become a Pseudo Intellectual.

Rule 1: NEVER READ A BOOK.

Gaining knowledge is against the basic spirit of Pseudo Intellectualism. It is a total NO-NO. Books make you wise. They make you think and they show the path towards intellectual enlightment and away from Pseudo Intellectualism. Wise guys are not eccentric (and I am using the 'guys' word to refer to both men and women) and that leaves the world such a bland place to be. The intellectuals are the one who look for logic or abstractness in the forms of expression. Now logically that means that any expression is either logical or abstract, either black or white? Why a thing can't be both, logically abstracted or have an abstract logic?
Now as, you might have noticed, it makes no sense at all and that is the very crux of the Pseudo Intellectualistic philosophy.
And now you know why we are against the books. Books will get a sense of logic in you, which is like poison for the Pseudo Intellectual in you.

Rule 2: ALWAYS READ A BOOK REVIEW.

Unawareness is something we cannot afford. The beauty of being Pseudo Intellectual is in being pseudo and yet appearing intellectual. Confusing? Let us see how to do it.
Read a book review and you would know about the writer's style, the pros and cons, the plot and the characters and that is all that you need to know to talk about over a cup of coffee/a mug of beer/a glass of wine.
Agreed that what you be saying or talking about is going to be the reviewer's understanding of the book, but then, you don't need to have a understanding of your own! You are a Pseudo Intellectual, not an intellectual, remember! Let the intellectuals do all the dirty work and we would just reap the benefits. And who cares about the originality?
The above argument holds for all sorts of means of expressions, not just books.
Never visit an art gallery but read about the art reviews. Do not watch a movie but read the reviews. (Incase you are reading rediff reviews, make sure you read the comments put on Raja Sen's reviews. Raja Sen is a Pseudo Intellectual; you do not want one Pseudo Intellectual to influence the other!)

Rule 3: SPEAK IN A LANGUAGE ALIEN TO THE AUDIENCE.

Now you might be wondering that you would need to learn a new language all together. If yes, then you have not yet realized the spirit of being Pseudo Intellectual, say one thing and mean the other, and when you master the art of being a Pseudo Intellectual, you would say one thing and mean nothing.
Read the subject again. If I meant what I had written, I would be writing this is the language which only I can understand. What I mean, and I am explaining this only for the purpose of you budding Pseudo Intellectuals, is that speak in a language which is difficult to understand.
Use a quote no one has heard before by a celebrity about whom no one has heard either. That will leave no one but you to vouch for its authenticity and you would be an expert on the life and deeds of that celebrity. So, you would become an expert without even doing anything. Now you know the advantage of being a Pseudo Intellectual!
Use very heavy words. Make a list of words having more than 15 characters, remember them by heart. Use them as frequently as you can. Most management articles are full of such words. They look glossy, and they make very little sense to the average people. So, when you use them, everybody would perceive you to be smart and intelligent.
Have as long sentences as possible. People have short memories. So, when you use long sentences, then whatever little sense it was supposed to make, would be lost in the middle and it would have nothing but a list of heavy words perfectly intangible for the average intelligentsia and the minds devoid of ability for concentrating for long periods of time. The last sentence was an example. It has 51 words and 242 characters to convey the fact that all you need to do, is to speak bullshit!
Statistics, my dear friend, are like magic tricks. Always useless, but they leave the audience in awe. Just take two numbers, divide one by the other, the order doesn't matter, get a percentage and use that in the discussion irrelevant of the context.

Rule 4: VOICE MODULATION IS IMPORTANT.

Always remember, a Pseudo Intellectual is someone who is pseudo and is perceived to be an intellectual. People who speak slowly and in high base are considered intelligent. Look at the politicians, who speak at the top of their voice, do you think they are intelligent? No.
Remember Atal Bihari Vajpayee and Manmohan Mohan Singh? Now you know what I mean.
When you have nothing to say, think of something which makes no sense, lower the volume so that is just about audible, speak slowly so that it takes longer amount of time, lower the base and say it. For example, dreams are flight from the known to the unknown. You say it normally, and you would realize that everybody knows that! Say it the way I have advised you, doesn't it sound very intelligent?
Low voice, slow pace are the hall mark of a brain which spends most of the time thinking and less time speaking. So, you can create that impression even if that is not natural to you. That is the whole idea!

Rule 5: LEARN FROM THE MASTERS.

Read the interviews on page 3. Watch the one on one host shows. Observe bollywood actors and cricketers.
Always answer in English even if the question was asked in Hindi. Everybody understands Hindi, so why make yourself accessible to all? You have worked hard to get the knowledge (or the lack of it), why share it easily.
Observe actors telling you how much research they have done for a role when all they have done is to visit the parlors and the saloons. Who cares about reality, the perceptions matter.
Use the history well. Speak of great leaders as if you know them personally, even if they were dead three centuries ago.
Blame it on the USA whenever you can. The reservation system is responsible for the death of Kalpana Chawala in the space mishap. Relate things even if they do not have any relation. We thrive on spontaneity and scandals. Create them if necessary.

The last and the most important tip, have an opinion even if you do not know about what.
Even if you think that this blog is trivial and not worth your comment, put it. And you can use the content of this blog in your own name. Nobody will be sued! Pseudo Intellectuals are magnanimous. They don't care!

A day that was!

No, I won’t blame Murphy for his laws! But now I just cannot help smiling at them! How true!

It was yesterday,I woke up late for my SIMCAT Test at 10.30, but still made it to the examination room on time, only to learn that the center did not have any question papers left ! Hence I had to run to the other center! I reached, but with fifteen minutes less for a two and a half hour long paper . To top it all, I started feeling pain in my stomach that reminded me that I had not had even a cup of tea since morning. But I sat through the paper and did FINE though i was not very happy then! Then I left for E-Square multiplex only to meet a MAMA (policewala) on my way.
No license, No PUC, No registration Papers! And I was not able to give him “I have no money!” story as I had quite a lot of money in my wallet! My wallet was lighter by 200 bucks by the time I was done with him! Then I went to watch a movie to find every watchable movie housefull . It was pretty hot at 2 in the afternoon and I had to meet a friend at 5 so I decided to watch ANY movie and to make my already bad day worse, it had to be DIL DIYA HAI!
I have not seen a movie worth writing a review about, but this one deserves its due. The movie opens with an item number by Udita Goswami and Asmit Patel! Lots of white skin, a pathetic Himesh Reshamiya song, some pole dancing follow... 5 minutes into the movie and one is left with no illusions about it being good. But there are times in your life when you want to torture yourself; times, when your tooth is about to fall ; you know that it hurts, but you still tease it with your tongue so that it hurts a bit more, and it gives you kicks!( I had paid for the movie and I was going to watch it, come what may!)
So, the the next few minutes are spent in establishing the fact the Asmit Patel is a BAD man to the D and to prove that, he is shown killing two people for no particular reason. He lives on drugs and liquor, is suppose to trade in human flesh or for some other strange reasons, is interested in getting Indian girls for his deals. (He is so bad that next time your kid is in no mood to sleep, please DO NOT SCARE HIM WITH ASMIT'S NAME!As far as i think, your kid might just end wetting his pants!)
Then you have Emran Hashmi, enters the movie by breaking a glass, and you know that he is poor despite that fact that he drives a BMW and sports designer jackets. He is in great trouble, he need 40K pounds to get his mother’s lungs transplant done, but fails to evoke any pathos in the audience. I did not feel any sympathy for him! He runs a travel agency with his partner Patel, whose first name is not important. Why is it not important? I don’t know; ask the director,may he did not bother to give him one! Then there is the girl. (THE GIRL. Geeta Basra, who playes Neha in the film is great to look at. Lot of people might not find her attractive and I wont blame them for that, she is not fair! But she has a good figure, lovely smile, beautiful eyes and dusky skin for which I have a fetish. She looks hot! There is this scene she calls Emraan at 4 in the morning to her room only to say that she was joking and says”Even Stevens Mr Saahil” That smile is worth killing for. I could have cut my heart out, begged on one knee for her to marry her, if she could keep that smile and twinkle in the eye for ever!)
Let’s get back to the movie! The girl and her family arrive from India on a tour of London and the tour is arranged by Saahil (Emraan). They try to trick the family by giving them sub standard facilities but the girl would have none of it! And to make up for that failed attempt, Saahil promises to be at their service 24X7! It is ok so far! Then you see the hero going to a bank to ask for loan and for the security of which he has a rented place to show! I mean, how silly that is! And then he gives a lecture to the bank manager on what he should do with the bank’s money, trying to raise sympathy in the viewer and failing miserably, again! During the course of his 24X7 service, he takes the girl to a disco and that song is the best song of the movie. It was great to listen that in the hall. There come Asmit Patel’s men, clicking the Indian crowd for the right chick! (That was very innovative actually, having a mobile camera to catch the dancing girls and to decide which one to pick. It looked so easy that was wondering if that movie was actually based in London!) And as luck would have it, they pick Neha! And then Neha misses her train to Scotland, is taken on a car to Scotland by Saahil. She has a sandwich on the highway, despite being warned by our hero that it was unhygienic, and as our hero foretold, she has a stomach bug and that too at a place on the highway where there is no clinic. But there is ofcourse Mithun’s (yes you read it right, Mithun Charaborty) house where they seek shelter. We are told that Mithun was a baddie himself but gave up everything bad for ‘love’.
It is now that the movie becomes unbearable! It is diificult tto stand Mithun’s character Ronnie. He preaches, plays a guitar and is...well, Mithun!
Then the girl stays there all night, reaches Scotland the next day. The hero learns that his mother is too sick and needs cash immediately, and this takes him to a casino. He, predictably enough, fails again( give me a break, he is Emraan, not Shakuni Mama!).
Then he gets a call. (There is supposed to be suspense here, pretend at least!)
The girl gets kidnapped and is seen with Asmit Patel, who planned to sell her but then decides against it and plans to marry her! [There is a song sequence where Asmit gets to do the love making scene which is again very aesthetically shot! If you look at the love making scenes in Murder, Aashiq Banaya Apne and this one, nothing has changed except the color of the bed sheet(of course, the actors are different, if you can call them that). It was black in Murder, White in ABA, and Red in DDH!]
Emrran gets a call from the girl's sister enquiring about her BUT (in midst of all DISTRESS and CHAOS) does not forget to tell him that Neha is in love with him!(Wow!).
Emraan goes to Asmit's place, with a lie that the girl's father had a heart attack (that was original!) and asking for the girl to come with her. Asmit declines and then Emraan kidnaps her from there (again!). He runs away from there beating the bad guys and being beaten by the girl! Guess where he goes?? To Mithun's place asking his help to drop the girl to her parents.
Mithun grabs this opportunity to scold Emraan,Emraan cries and tries to justify his action( He ctually says," Maa ke pyaar ke saamne mujhe Neha ka pyaar chhota laga" Wah! wah!) and then leaves???
No, he doesn't. Insread, he waits by his car for Mithun to sing a song, comes back and the girl forgives him for selling him to a brothel (Are huzoor; wah pyaar kahiye!)! And then Asmit patel comes with his gang, Mithun and Emraan nearly kill them all. But Mithun's wife is shot at by Asmit, and Asmit's baddies refuse to shoot Mithun and run away!
Then, in the hospital, Mithun's wife pleads to get the girl back for the "sake of love".
Mithun, the 'respected bad man' that he is, goes to Asmit's father’s place who apparently owns his empire to Mithun. He asks his son to return the girl, gets killed, and ok, finally( i just want to finish it now) Asmit is killed.
The girl's family is told a story that both Emraan and Neha got kidnapped, which they believe!
The story ends and so does this piece with a word of advice (It should have a social message, shouldn't it?). Stay home, don’t watch this movie!

My first flight.

Ok, I have had my flights of imagination in worlds lesser known to anybody but myself; but this was the first time I was flying in the territory known to the birds and people who can afford the flights.
I was all excitement, I had never had felt a force closer to the g force that you experience when the plane takes off and the acceleration (0-60 in 6 secs flat does not qualify!). I left for Mumbai on Friday evening after an eventful day and stayed with my friend and kept asking him about the things to do and not to do on a flight and inside the airport. (This is closest to Navjot Singh Siddhu’s famous kid in a topless bar!).
I left my friend’s place at 4.30 in the morning and reached Sahara Airport after changing three modes of transportation. I reached the airport by 6 in the morning, and I was ushered in to the security check. The dream was materializing. I was about to fly in an hours time!
I went through the security gate and the customary and formal checking (I do not understand what purpose they serve coz I have never heard of any body with intentions to hijack being discouraged by those procedures!).Then I went to get the boarding pass.
The dream......hmmmm.......it was coming to an end..... and HOW is what follows....

I had the ticket of Sahara airlines on a JET airways coupon (which, when I got it, found very natural because of the merger thing in the air).The lady at the counter who has been trained to give fake smiles and greet you with the softest of voices even when she hates you like anything, greeted me with similar sincerity;with the same I- want- to- help-but- I- can't look! She said that she could not allow me to board the flight as it was on a jet airways coupon!
I was asked to speak to the Jet airways people and only they could take me to Calcutta. I spoke to them and was told that even though the ticket was on a Jet airways coupon, they could not take me in unless the Sahara people endorse that as it was for a Sahara flight!
As the merger deal fell through, they had stopped accepting the other party’s coupons!
I was losing my patience, and my dreaming was changing to a nightmare.
I was asked to cancel the ticket I was holding, and that I would need to book afresh and only then I can fly. Also, that as the ticket was booked by a travel agent (Travelguru.com) they could not refund the amount, theycould only stamp it 'FULL REFUND'! I would have to claim them.

I had no choice but to do what I was asked to, and I booked a new ticket for Calcutta and thankfully I got one for Rs5150, Rs1700 more than what I was paying initially! Thank god to credit cards that I was able to book that, my account only had 4000/- bucks!

I was told in the sweetest voices that they understood it was not my fault, but they could not help me. I felt as if they were telling me, look, we get paid to talk in sweet voices and do hell with your problem and get off my face.

And to top it all, the guy who advised me to book afresh, had the audacity to tell me that i was NOW actually flying cheaper!! I have had enough. I turned around and said," You have some balls to say that to a guy you have harassed in last 45 minutes, for a seemingly stupid thing!”
I was relieved to be actually leaving that I did not think much of the cost of the flight. (I would when I get the credit card bill!).

I did not get a window seat, the one who had, was sleeping all the time and I cursed her all the time that if she only wanted to sleep, why the hell she was occupying the window seat!
I learnt all the intricacies of SAREE trade because of an over enthusiastic lady to my immediate back, she had the ability to talk nonstop and she did that for two and a half hours, the entire duration of the flight. And she had the right volume, loud enough to not let you sleep and soft enough to ensure that you don’t turn around and ask her to talk softly!
And then, the airhostess was not pretty! Man, I said, all this has to happen to me!
At least the breakfast was good! I had no clue how to go about it. I just kept observing my neighbors from the corners of my eyes and went about it the way they did. They asked for Tea, I asked for tea, which was, to put it simply, YUK!
In the mean time, I forgot to tell you the good things about the flight. The acceleration on the runway, the steep climb while takeoff, the joy of things getting smaller and then getting lost in the clouds, the curve the plane takes while turning, the chance to look at the Mumbai sea from up above, the sight of the high rises, it was great! But that joy only lasts some 15 minutes, once you are in the clouds, it gets boring, it seems that the plane is stationary; there is no movement at all!
I just read every newspaper that was there to be read in the flight, and reached safely to Calcutta. How much I wanted to experience some turbulence in the air! Some bomb scare maybe, to add up some Xing that was missing in the airhostess!
One thing I could not understand-about the emergency procedures that we would need to follow if the plane had to make an emergency landing in water- where is a water body big enough for a Boeing 747 in between Mumbai and Calcutta? I found that very funny that security procedures are being followed just for the heck of them!
I landed at the Calcutta airport sharp at 10. and then I was waiting for my luggage, and as it went round and round without showing any signs of bag, I was getting anxious. I saw people staying calm about it, but I only pretended to be. That flight was to leave for Guwahati, and if they forgot to bring my back down, I would be with the only clothes on my body till they got it right. But after 15 mins, I saw my bag and was relieved to see that!
Then I had my ticket cancelled at the Calcutta airport and I left, for Salt Lake. The best thing about coming home after so many days is that taxiwalas think that you are totally new and ask for absorbitant fares. It is a joy to see the look on their faces when you tell them the exact fare and distance!
The flight was over and it left some questions to ponder about!
I had a valid ticket, some airlines had the money I paid, and there was of course a vacant seat. They could have saved me of all that trouble by just communicating among themselves and taking me on board. They did not. Have we enterd the age which realizes that the consumer is the god? Probably in India, we are not yet ready for that. There were two airlines, playing ping ping with me, when I had done everything right! And to think that nobody would lose his job over this, it makes me hate my job, coz I might lose it if I deal my clients like that!
We are still some way still quite some leagues away professionalism, and let us not get excited with the prospects of a improving services industry as we are actually not. The gloss is there, the substance is not. We run behind the shield of norms and rules when we are held by the collar and are made to answer the questions.
And it is 7 days since I logged my complaint at the Travelguru. I am yet to hear from them.
One thing is for sure, I am not going to use any of the three service providers ever if I can help that! And it also makes a case for the poor call center operatives for it is them who have to handle the angry customers for the goof ups at the backend!
Are we making the right people accountable? NO.
Are we ready to set things right? NO!
'Chalta hai yaar!'(...?...)