Beginners guide to Pseudo Intellectualism

5 Rules to become a Pseudo Intellectual.

Now don't ask me what Pseudo Intellectualism is all about? Incognizance is something, my friend, pseudo intellectuals are definitely against!
I searched the web but there was no definition available so I decided to define it. (One more thing that I have done to save this world !...and the Noble Peace Prize still eludes me!)

Pseudo Intellectualism:
Function: Noun
Meaning: Devotion to the exercise of Pseudo Intellect or to Pseudo Intellectual pursuits.
(If you have not understood the meaning of Pseudo Intellectualism by now, that means that you are looking for intellectual content in this article and hence, by the power vested in me as the head of the Pseudo Intellectual council, I deem you unfit to be a part of the Pseudo Intellectual community and hence bar you from reading any further!!!)

For those who have understood what it means, you need to know what is expected of you as a Pseudo Intellectual. It is about appearing knowledgeable, when you know nothing. It is about being able to argue with out having any stance, it is about being able to talk on matters you have no idea about and come up with catchy lines which have no relevance to the discussion at hand but still leave people in awe.

Let us now go through what it takes to become a Pseudo Intellectual.

Rule 1: NEVER READ A BOOK.

Gaining knowledge is against the basic spirit of Pseudo Intellectualism. It is a total NO-NO. Books make you wise. They make you think and they show the path towards intellectual enlightment and away from Pseudo Intellectualism. Wise guys are not eccentric (and I am using the 'guys' word to refer to both men and women) and that leaves the world such a bland place to be. The intellectuals are the one who look for logic or abstractness in the forms of expression. Now logically that means that any expression is either logical or abstract, either black or white? Why a thing can't be both, logically abstracted or have an abstract logic?
Now as, you might have noticed, it makes no sense at all and that is the very crux of the Pseudo Intellectualistic philosophy.
And now you know why we are against the books. Books will get a sense of logic in you, which is like poison for the Pseudo Intellectual in you.

Rule 2: ALWAYS READ A BOOK REVIEW.

Unawareness is something we cannot afford. The beauty of being Pseudo Intellectual is in being pseudo and yet appearing intellectual. Confusing? Let us see how to do it.
Read a book review and you would know about the writer's style, the pros and cons, the plot and the characters and that is all that you need to know to talk about over a cup of coffee/a mug of beer/a glass of wine.
Agreed that what you be saying or talking about is going to be the reviewer's understanding of the book, but then, you don't need to have a understanding of your own! You are a Pseudo Intellectual, not an intellectual, remember! Let the intellectuals do all the dirty work and we would just reap the benefits. And who cares about the originality?
The above argument holds for all sorts of means of expressions, not just books.
Never visit an art gallery but read about the art reviews. Do not watch a movie but read the reviews. (Incase you are reading rediff reviews, make sure you read the comments put on Raja Sen's reviews. Raja Sen is a Pseudo Intellectual; you do not want one Pseudo Intellectual to influence the other!)

Rule 3: SPEAK IN A LANGUAGE ALIEN TO THE AUDIENCE.

Now you might be wondering that you would need to learn a new language all together. If yes, then you have not yet realized the spirit of being Pseudo Intellectual, say one thing and mean the other, and when you master the art of being a Pseudo Intellectual, you would say one thing and mean nothing.
Read the subject again. If I meant what I had written, I would be writing this is the language which only I can understand. What I mean, and I am explaining this only for the purpose of you budding Pseudo Intellectuals, is that speak in a language which is difficult to understand.
Use a quote no one has heard before by a celebrity about whom no one has heard either. That will leave no one but you to vouch for its authenticity and you would be an expert on the life and deeds of that celebrity. So, you would become an expert without even doing anything. Now you know the advantage of being a Pseudo Intellectual!
Use very heavy words. Make a list of words having more than 15 characters, remember them by heart. Use them as frequently as you can. Most management articles are full of such words. They look glossy, and they make very little sense to the average people. So, when you use them, everybody would perceive you to be smart and intelligent.
Have as long sentences as possible. People have short memories. So, when you use long sentences, then whatever little sense it was supposed to make, would be lost in the middle and it would have nothing but a list of heavy words perfectly intangible for the average intelligentsia and the minds devoid of ability for concentrating for long periods of time. The last sentence was an example. It has 51 words and 242 characters to convey the fact that all you need to do, is to speak bullshit!
Statistics, my dear friend, are like magic tricks. Always useless, but they leave the audience in awe. Just take two numbers, divide one by the other, the order doesn't matter, get a percentage and use that in the discussion irrelevant of the context.

Rule 4: VOICE MODULATION IS IMPORTANT.

Always remember, a Pseudo Intellectual is someone who is pseudo and is perceived to be an intellectual. People who speak slowly and in high base are considered intelligent. Look at the politicians, who speak at the top of their voice, do you think they are intelligent? No.
Remember Atal Bihari Vajpayee and Manmohan Mohan Singh? Now you know what I mean.
When you have nothing to say, think of something which makes no sense, lower the volume so that is just about audible, speak slowly so that it takes longer amount of time, lower the base and say it. For example, dreams are flight from the known to the unknown. You say it normally, and you would realize that everybody knows that! Say it the way I have advised you, doesn't it sound very intelligent?
Low voice, slow pace are the hall mark of a brain which spends most of the time thinking and less time speaking. So, you can create that impression even if that is not natural to you. That is the whole idea!

Rule 5: LEARN FROM THE MASTERS.

Read the interviews on page 3. Watch the one on one host shows. Observe bollywood actors and cricketers.
Always answer in English even if the question was asked in Hindi. Everybody understands Hindi, so why make yourself accessible to all? You have worked hard to get the knowledge (or the lack of it), why share it easily.
Observe actors telling you how much research they have done for a role when all they have done is to visit the parlors and the saloons. Who cares about reality, the perceptions matter.
Use the history well. Speak of great leaders as if you know them personally, even if they were dead three centuries ago.
Blame it on the USA whenever you can. The reservation system is responsible for the death of Kalpana Chawala in the space mishap. Relate things even if they do not have any relation. We thrive on spontaneity and scandals. Create them if necessary.

The last and the most important tip, have an opinion even if you do not know about what.
Even if you think that this blog is trivial and not worth your comment, put it. And you can use the content of this blog in your own name. Nobody will be sued! Pseudo Intellectuals are magnanimous. They don't care!